Days.....Weeks... Months.....YEARS!!!

      As I sit here, 17 weeks from my Due date with baby number 3, days until Our second turns 2, days passed Our first turning 3...... I wonder Have they forgotten? Or do they care? Reliving Her 22 days, is like stepping back in time and reliving all the pain, joy, uncertainty that came with being a first time mom. Was i even a mom on Day 23? I mean i had just given birth, but had no child to show. I, a mom, did what was best for my child although part of me didnt want to. Part of me died the day She....Kennedy Fallyn.... died. Do they still remember her? Do they write her name like i do? Its been 3 years since i saw her face, smelled her sweet smell, wiped her tears. Its been 3 years since I held MY Sweet little GIRL! In those 3 years we had her brother, who knows his sister and reminds me daily that she loves me. In those three years we planned birthdays, Holidays, family trips.... without Her. In those three years, we are preparing for her second baby brother. Days following her death i couldn't see beyond that day, or i didnt want to. I wanted to hold on to the pain and her memory. I lost all hope in being happy. In the weeks following her death, I slowly became "ok". If "ok" is a state of living. In the weeks following her death i found happiness, happiness i felt guilty for feeling. In the months following her death i found out i was pregnant again. In the months following her death, i learned to live again. As life went on, her memory slowly faded. The day to day life of raising a family, came and her memory slowly drifted to the back of my mind. All i have are her 22 days on an app that reminds me what happened on this day.... and i only get Her 22 days one time a year. I am only reminded of what happened in her 22 days, July 5th through July 27th. Because on Day 23..... My life as a Grieving  Mother began. I had to answer the dreaded question " how many kids do you have?' or is he your first? I learned words and phases like living, dead, earth born, Heaven Born. I learned to swallow that lump as i hear my daughters name called in the store. I had to learn its the small things that count. I learned to love my new life. As i look over at my almost 2 year old son playing by himself, knowing in my heart there SHOULD be 2 playing. That he should be an only child. I realize he never really is Alone. So if he remembers why shouldn't they? Oh the storys we will one day tell Our Boys of their sister, her strength, our strength. 

I have 3 children, 1 girl Heaven bound, 2 boys, Her living Legacy!
No Hes not my First, Hes my first boy though!


Kennedy Fallyn Thomas-Fuller 
July 5th 2012- July 27th 2012