If Refecttion....

In Reflection I have had a few questions I couldn't answer until now......

• What does it feel Like to be an Angel Parent?

Well to be honest when you loose a baby that you only spend a handful of moment with. It feels like you are Babysitting. I have worked in daycare, and gotten really close kids. But this is like having a part of you that you are watching and can do only certain things with. Being an Angel parent, for me, Means I have to push that much harder to help people remember my child. I have Pictures and those Pictures I LOVE to share. If my friends can share Pictures of there Child why cant I? Being an Angel parent means that I have on memories not Moments.

• What is it that's the hardest for yall?

The hardest thing is not being able to parent. Not being able to go to the crib and grab her and love her. Not being able to smell the poopy diapers. Not being woke up at 3am because shes hungry or needs a diaper change. WALKING OUT OF THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT OUR CHILD.

• What's your biggest fear with your rainbow?

NOt being able to hold, love or cuddle him. Not being able to leave the hospital with Him. Not being able to change diapers, feed him.....you name it, Its passed through our Mind.


If you have any questions for yes please ask, or email mommy1fuller(at)gmail(dot)com

Kennedy's Birth story

5:30am-- Headed to hospital to have our SPECIAL HEART First Child

6:00am- Started Iv's

630am- Started Piticin

As labor Progressed I was soooooo Nervous

10ish-- Dr D, Popped my water

1030-11am-- asked for Demerol, which made me throw up the purple pop cycle. So they gave me a little more. My Husband almost got painted if you know what I mean.

11am-300pm-- Labor slowly progressed, I don't remember much I know I asked for Demerol twice. I wanted to sleep, my mom had to stay beside me the WHOLE time. She wanted to go outside once and made it down to the lobby, before my husband and sister had to call her back up. I know I was so relaxed at on point I almost stopped breathing....bad habit.

3pm- I told my nurse I needed to pee, so she helped me. then roughly 5-10mins later I Screamed I need to push, she was like noo not yet wait for the dr. I told her but its just happening. I couldn't see the smile on my moms face but I know that she was, she told me this would happen (I wanted to know the honest truth and she told me)

315pm-- I pushed and pushed, I know at one point I saw the nurses attending to my sister I didn't know what was going on I just didn't her hurt.

3:28PM-- SHE WAS HERE!!! When they delived her head I SCREAMED " JUST GET HER OUT", reason being she was squirming and moving and it felt "funny". My mom was smiling, My Husband was crying. My sister well idk where she ended up.

" HOW ARE YOU".........

"The Love of a Mother NEVER Stops"......NEVER, even when you have to learn to Parent in a different way. You lost your child, now you must find a new way to parent. A new You, a new side to life.

"How are you doing?" --- I'm fine, I'm good, It's going......when secretly I wanna say....I AM DIEING, I lost my child I don't know what to do, emotionally a wreck today, didn't really wanna wake up and have to handle the emptiness in my heart, Cant handle it, I need to scream.

Learning to Find the new YOU or the New US, is the hardest Journey. Moms feel empty while dads feel like theres something they should be doing. Waking and getting up and moving forward is the hardest but greatest feat. If you can wake up and say "I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE OF YOU" Life without a child isn't the easiest, Give a newly angeled parent a break. Don't ask "how are you" we will lie...and then turn and cry....just smile and say "I am hear to listen..." You'll get a better response, I promise.

Be a listening ear instead of the one that make us relive it day to day.

Greif has no time line, no wave length, no door. It comes in wave, I have good days and Bad, I just remind myself I need more good then bad.....I am positive but I want to be negative. Sometimes I let the negative in but have to remind myself it wont always be that way. My faith is strong, while I am weak. I am strong because I know weakness. I am Weak because I am Human.

A daddy hurts too.. A while back I shared my husbands side, but will share it again....


I don’t know where to begin or even how to start but this is my version of becoming a daddy, then becoming a daddy to a beautiful angel, and back to being a daddy again… It all started one chilly morning in November 2011 my beautiful wife woke me up and told me she had a surprise for me. As she guided me through the house to the bathroom I could tell she was excited. I walked into the bathroom to find 4, yes 4 pregnancy tests lying on the counter. I looked at them all and they were all positive. I smiled and at the same time my heart sank. I was actually going to be a daddy. I was so happy and scared at the same time.
As time went by we started seeing a few doctors and I finally got to see my baby for the first time. I could not believe I was going to be a daddy. The doctors started questioning a few things they had been seeing on the last few ultrasounds. But the next thing the doctor said hit me harder than a ton of bricks. “I think there might be something wrong” at that time I broke. I wanted to know what was wrong with my little one and was there anything I could do to help. I would do anything to make sure they were healthy.

After I found out that my little one had a heart condition I stressed and always questioned myself weather my smoking was what caused my baby to have this. I finally got so tired of the feeling that on February 1, 2012 I quit smoking and stopped going around other people who smoked. It was one of the hardest things that I did but I knew it was the best thing for my baby. As the months flew by we started growing even more excited. We wanted to check on sea monkey’s heart to see if it had grown any more. In late February 2012 we went to see weather sea money was going to be a little boy or a little girl. I was so shocked when the nurse said it was a little girl that I asked her to check again. I really wanted a boy but God had other plans. I was so scared after we found out monkey was a little girl. All I could think about was making sure I had a 12 gage to scare that first boy.

I was always afraid to let my wife go without me to one doctor because every time she would call after the visit crying. I was about tired of the doctor and one day I thought about going to the doctor’s office and kicking his teeth down his throat. Thankfully I did not and I started realizing that he might be doing it for a reason. Sure enough he was.

As spring flowers grew so did my anxiety to becoming a daddy. I wanted my little girl here, I wanted to hold her, tell her that I loved her, and tell her that daddy was going to do whatever it took to make her better. Until finally the day came, it was way too early but we had to be at the hospital at 5 am. I was not going to be late either I wanted my baby here. I knew I would not be able to hold her right after she was born but I knew she would be ok once we got her here. I remember everyone saying that I was going to faint once I saw her but I knew there was no chance I was going to miss seeing her for the first time. Then after what seemed like days the doctors said the magic number 10! Here we go I thought, I knew I would see her pretty little face in just a short time. Then like magic there she was my 5lb 13oz little girl. I knew I had to go with her to make sure everything was fine. I told her mommy that I loved her and asked if they would be ok. I ran like the wind to catch up with my little girl. I could not sleep one bit until I got to hold her in my arms. Mommy was going to go first since we had to do whatever it took to get her milk to start. Sure enough holding baby Kenni worked and we were back in no time for me to hold her. I was so scared I would drop her that I almost passed out. For the first time it hit me I was going to love this little one until the day I died. I held her little body until I could not feel my fingers any longer but I could not let her go. Then my world turned upside down. We knew she had to have surgery and we needed to prepare ourselves to not be able to hold her until she was healed. I told myself I would never let her go if she made it through all that was about to happen. I asked God that night to not ever let her suffer any pain as we took it day by day. After 3 days of being in the hospital they told us we could go home but it hurt leaving her there even though I knew she was in the best arms I could ask for. The Sunday we left the hospital we made it home and had a small chance to grab some food and we decided to go get a pump to help mommy pump.

My world stopped when I saw the number on my screen. It was the nurse in charge of Kennedy. I heard noises I had only heard on Grey’s Anatomy or ER. She was calling to tell me my daughter heart was not working and we needed to get there as soon as possible. I did not want to tell my wife because I knew she would feel like it was because we left her at the hospital. I through all of my thoughts out of my head and said I had to drive. With my wife screaming in the car next to me I did 85 to the hospital willing to run anyone off the road that did not want to get out of my way. We got there in 5 minutes and they told me they had her heart started again and they had us all wait in a room down the hall. Then the sirens went off again but this time it was in a room a few doors down from Kenni. I thought there was no way this can happen not on this night not in my lifetime. I could not see straight but I had to see her. I had to see her heartbeat. She had to know daddy was here. I grabbed the nearest person and said you have to let me see her. The other little man did not make it through the night and I could not sleep knowing that my little girl was just down the hall. I prayed and prayed until finally she was stable. We stayed at the hospital for the next week so she would know we were there. I would go see her at least 4 times a day. As she started to improve we started venturing out once again hoping and praying that we would not get a call. Finally about a week after her fire drill, we stayed a night away from the hospital. I could barely sleep that night and called the hospital several times to make sure everything was going ok. I finally returned to work but could not forget to go see her every morning for at least 20-30 minutes. I knew the PICU would open at 7:00 am sharp so I would wake up about 6:00 am and left the house no later than 6:45 am. I as waiting by the door until my clock hit 7. I would rush to be beside her so she could feel daddy’s touch. I only missed 1 morning because I was not feeling very good. I would get a noon report from her mommy or the nurses depending on how late mommy got to the hospital. Every day when I got off I would run home, get changed and off to the hospital I went but this time with mommy in tow. I wanted to spend every waking moment with her and would have slept in her room if they would have let me.
One morning it was hard to let go, it was hard to say I Love You, and hard to say I will see you later. One morning I did not want to go to work. Some people say it is a father’s intuition or maybe you can just call it a gut feeling. The morning of the 27 th her 22 nd day with us I could not tear myself away from her room. I stayed as long as I could with my heart in my trough, and tears in my eyes. Knowing I had to be at work, I finally had to swallow my feeling and put my game face on. It was the hardest moment when I bent down and gave my beautiful baby girl a kiss. I asked the nurse to call me every few hours to give me a report on how she was doing. I cried all the way to work and finally showed up about 8:30 not wanting to be there and not feeling very well. Everyone could tell there was something on my mind but I told them not to worry about it that everything would be ok. I felt it in my heart that it was a lie but I forced myself to believe it was true. It was around 12 and I was waiting on an update from mommy when I got an unexpected call. It was the doctor; he wanted to see what was going on with Kenni’s readings. She was retaining fluids and her intake was much greater than her output. He wanted to go in and explore to see if there was any explanation for what was going on. I told him to do the surgery and see what was happening with my baby. I then had to tell her mommy who was on her way to the hospital. That was one of the hardest things I had to do because I did not have all of the answers she wanted to know. I was in a daze a really thick fog I could not figure out how to get out of. I could barely stand because all of the thoughts were racing through my mind. Was she going to be ok? Will they figure out what is wrong? I could not stand it any longer I had to get out of there. I told everyone I had to go, I shut down everything and just left. Everyone knew something was wrong but I knew it in my heart I was losing my little girl. I only thought I could fight to keep her. About 15 minutes after I left work I was on my way to get to my little girl when I got the call the doctors wanted to see me and my wife. I lost it. I knew what the doctors were going to tell me. Now my only thought was get to my wife before they tell her and I am not there to hold her up. The doctors came in and told us the news that there was nothing else they could do. My wife crumbled. as I tried to catch her. The next thing I remember is making phone calls to tell the family to come see her. We wanted everyone to celebrate the 22 greatest days that I truly felt like a father. I told everyone that we would celebrate her day with balloons, flowers, and joy in our hearts. No sad colors were allowed. Her pastor ware a Hawaiian shirt, and everyone ware bright beautiful colors.

The only thing people don’t tell you is how to deal with the emptiness that is left behind. It took me a week to even think about going back to work. Even then I would break down when I thought about her. I would see the people who really cared about her and it would hurt to put on a fake smile and say I was ok. All I wanted to do was scream but I knew some people would not understand. I decided to hide my feeling and let them out only around people I knew truly understood. It is still hard to talk about her some days, but let me ask you, how do you ever get over losing someone who you love with all of your heart and soul and would give up you own life to save? How do you ever get over the emptiness you feel when you hear a baby cry? How do you stop the rage when someone else gives up a beautiful gift like the one you just lost? How do you get over the feelings like it is going to happen to you again? Then only way that I have ever learned is by doing what a very wise old man told me to do one day. He said: “Son, all you have to do is let go, let God, and believe. If you don’t you don’t ever know what could happen".