Bat Brothers!!!

Sometimes You just gotta dress up as some one else!

He is my best friend!

I will always be there for you no matter what...

Even if that means leaping from the tallest building,

Helping you out of a sticky situation, 

 or reminding you to run the race. 

Together For EVER! 

BAT BROTHERS!!!

To My Sweetest Angel....

Dearest Daughter

   My sweet sweet Kennedy Fallyn, oh how I miss your face, your toes, your courage. Today, This past week has been the hardest, not just physically but emotionally. As hard as I try, I just want to break down and cry. I was fully aware of the emotions this training and bereavement photography would bring up. But what I wasn't prepared for was the emotions it would bring up with your daddy. Daddies are strong, and the back bone of a family, but you see, sometimes daddies need to cry and be loved on. This has brought up some emotions we both thought we had a handle on. when you died, it broke our hearts and together we mended each others. Sometimes the faintest of smell can bring it all back up. This past week has been hard not only on me and dad but us as a unit. But in our own special way we will work through it, hand in hand, as hard as it may be we will survive. 

   Your brothers are crazy. As if you didn't already know. Jimmie is so emotional, just like me. Hes so kind and caring. He's an amazing kid who keeps us on our toes. Colton, well hes a wild thing. Hes so vibrant and for coming. He has a strong head and an even stronger heart. They are our will to keep going. 

I wonder what your doing? How old you are? What you look like? Are you tall or short? Do you have curly hair or straight? I will always love you and wonder who you'd be today?

Love, 

Your Mom

Dear Mister Couselonr Guy

Dear Mister Sir,

    I have a bone to pick with you. Not out of hatred or spite, but out of awareness, love, and general over all information. The other day, when I and my husband showed up at your office for help with our marriage,us sometimes married couples need help or guidance especially when you have had a loss like ours.  We showed up looking for a third person who wouldn't judge or make assumptions, but instead we were welcomed with red flags.

When you have a loss, You sometimes have these gut feelings and red flags. I am normally an open person, like I will tell anyone who will listen, but you didn't give me that feeling, I couldn't tell you that we chose life for your daughter whom might not make it but we did and then she didn't. Or that sometimes that grief makes it hard for me to explain to my Husband what I'm feeling. Or that sometimes if feel judged by people like you who jump to conclusions over one heated argument, that yes might have went a little farther but it scared us both. Like we hate fighting HATE IT!

But what you did, without finding out more information, talk to us more, jumped the gun and reported it to CPS.

If you knew what it felt like to have PTSD from loosing a child, you would have talk to us more. Found out Prior information... I don't know about our marriage, our relationship, our DAUGHTER!! The very threat of having the boys in which we worked so hard to have, the boys that mean more than your future kids(might). Our Boys are our reason we live. For you, to even consider it before find out any underlining information is WRONG!

We, reached out to YOU, as a professional. YOU as a trusted Member to HELP us. And you broke that trust by simply reporting it.

The Very thought of having CPS come in and judge everything in my life, made me have flash backs to loosing my daughter.Made me want to run far away and hide out. I hope and Pray that you and your newly married wife, NEVER EVER are in our position where you've lost and you have someone like you threaten CPS on you. I hope you never loos a child much less have PTSD from loosing that child. I understand you want to protect our Children and I get that. But find out more information before you go and say one thing and do another.

My Children are well taken care of. I love them more than you'll ever fathom. The are the reason I BREATH.

ASK questions, FIND out background information and most importantly HAVE COMPASSION!!

I do understand your position, but in 20 minutes you assumed the worst. I thank you for that. I have gone to counseling on and off for the past 4 years. I know what the typical session run like and this by far was WAY different. For me not to open up about my family life, my kids, my DAUGHER, my career.... Makes me wonder what stopped me. I'm an Open book, I'll speak about my daughter till im blue in the face. But i didn't..... and I'm Glad.

So please Mister Sir have some compassion for things you don't( and we wouldn't EVER want you to) understand!

Love

A wife and Mother

He is My Father!

" See, I am Sending and angel ahead of you,

to guard you along the way and to bring you to 

the place I have prepared"

~Exodus 23:20

      One Of the many verses, we read through as we planned our daughters funeral. We, as a newly married couple less than a year, planned our daughters funeral just 22 day after her arrival NOT MY PLAN!

     As a kid I was always content, go with the flow kind of person. I am the oldest of 4, one sister and two brothers. I come from a LARGE extended family. I grew up in a christian home with both mom and dad. We attended church pretty regularly, so i knew God. It wasn't until February 2003, that i TRULY knew who he was. It wasnt until i opened my heart and let him see me for who i was...broken and alone, that i truly KNEW HIM. I walked the walk, read the bible...but i wasnt truly living the way he wanted. I had plans and I was going to go places and then life came, and High school came and God took a back seat in my life. 

     The summer following Graduation, I lost my grandmother, one of my role models. She taught me so many things, like not to back talk her or id get the shoe to the bottom....respect for my elder. She showed that life wasnt about what you had but what you made it to me. most importantly she showed me that acadmics were more important than any man...she had very little education being the daughter of a migrant farm worker. The weeks after her passing i met my now husband, through his brother.... thats another story for another time and no i wasnt dating his brother. 

     Me and Michael had been dating 2 months when i lost my grandfather in November 2008. that very same day i lost my best friend, my confidant my popi. Michael became my rock, after that we became closer than ever. In the coming weeks i felt myself turn God away, I didnt "need" him...He took my Grandfather. 

Michael and i dated for 2 years and then on July 4th 2010, He got down on one knee and ask one simple question. in which i said Yes. i wanted a long engagement so we planned the wedding for December 2011. We married, September 6th 2011... another story  for another time. November rolled around and i was late....which never happened before. One test turned into three which eventually turned into five...dont ask where all the pee came from. I eventually woke my sleeping husband, it was around 6am, to show him...his one and only response, "one would have be enough". So YAY we are expecting our first, and first Grandchild for either side. 2012 rolled around and we were excited to find out the Gender and start the buying processes. February 2012.... the month we would find out the gender....we sat in the waiting room, watching moms come and go, me having to pee... It was our turn... we walk into the room they ask if we want to know.. and of course we did...why wouldnt we. They Start the ultrasound, taking measurements.....and then the gender.....A GIRL..we were having a girl...but wait theirs something not measuring right, let me go get the dr. we waited...i cried silently, had i done this, had i did something to make our daughter"sick". The dr comes in and checks and says " everything looks good, except her heart one side is smaller then the other, its called Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, youll have to see a cardiologist to confirm, but im pretty sure thats what it is"......I broke I was sure i had done this, in anger i blamed God, i blamed him for giving me this broken child, this child that would need help to survive, this child that wasnt normal. months went by i began reading my bible to find meaning and purpose as to why i was chosen to carry this child. July came...her birth month, we scheduled everything from maternity leave, to surgeries. July 5th came my induction day, labor went as smoothly as a natural labor could. at 3:28pm Kennedy Fallyn made her debut.  An Angel she was, perfect, 10 fingers 10 toes... for the 5 seconds i got to hold my baby i knew God had chosen me for a reason. They wisked her off to NICU, i finally got to see my baby that evening around 6pm. She was ever bit of perfect. We planned her surgery for 72hrs old, we handed her off to the surgens that would preform the surgery....and we prayed, we prayed so hard i felt like i couldnt any more. She came out alive on machines i had only heard about. Then came her next surgery...the open chest, scar down the middle of her chest surgery. for 6 long hours i sat asking God why, why make a baby so perfect and new only to be scared, i prayed she live, i prayed i get to see her again...and i did. That day i was discharged, i was wheeled to the hospital door, without my baby, i had to leave her there, she would be there alone, with out me away from me. I was angry with God, but i had to trust he knew what he was doing. We went and got me a pump, then the call...ooh the call, thankfully they called my husband, her heart had stopped and they were in the middle of reviving her. we rushed to the hospital. we made it there and prayed and prayed and prayed she'd live long enough for us to make it to her side, just in case she didnt make it she would know mom and dad were there and she was loved. They got her heart back but she was weak, they had to put her on an ECMO machine... a heart lung machine, that would do the work of both her heart and her lungs. Those next 5 days were like months. Touch and go, begging and bargaining with GOD to let our Daughter live. Let her know what life is like, let her see the sunshine, feel the wind, meet her family. Then Day 22, i felt different this day, it was like no other.... The hospital call to tell us they need to check her intestines, so we agreed. They wanted to see and speak to both of us....in a sperate room...I knew in that instant, but i needed to hear the words..."Theres nothing more we can do for your daughter, she has an infection in her intestines and theres not anything we can do.".......In that very moment I Hated God, why would he give this child to me, why would he let me have her only take her away. Why...why...why...why my child. So we went to be by her side, we brought in family member after family member, then we asked to be left alone..... we told her we loved her and that she'd see us soon. And at 3:28 pm on July 27th Kennedy became an angel. I was so angry searching for a reason, looking to blame....and i got mad and angry at the one "person" who did it all GOD. i wanted nothing to do with him i pushed him away. it wasnt until in the still of night that got my answer when looking through bible quotes for her memorial " See, I am Sending and angel ahead of you, to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared"~Exodus 23:20..... then i got it...there i was crying, grieving my first child, and there was my answer. Its not my plan... its his. Kennedy was never mine to have, He gave her to me to barrow, He gave me her to teach a lesson, a lesson that i may never know the answer to but he does. I needed to lay down and surrender all i had been caring. I needed to lean on him and become what he had planned...not what i had planned. In the moment i lost my daughter i only saw a few pieces of the picture he wanted for me. 

In the weeks following me and Michael moved away from lubbock, he got a job offer and it was a blessing. We needed to get back to us, just me and him. I attended a faith based Concealing group and it helped me see some of the bigger picture. Me and mike grew closer and closer. and soon we were expecting our second and our first Rainbow baby...due July 27th,2013. My pregnancy jimmie was filled with emotional highs and lows. I leaned on my husband and My faith. I wanted to believe that having a normal baby was possible. That life after Kennedy did exist. I started going to talk to someone, and it helped alot. I wanted to know that "normal" wasnt that far out in left field. Then July 13th 2013 at 9:11am Jimmie was born after several times of me giving up and wanting to go home...i had been in labor for a full 24hrs. Then 2 years later we decided to add another child, knowing that another baby like kennedy was very possible. We had a 10% chance of having another Heart baby. while the odds may be small, to us it was huge. Coltons pregnancy was a bit more enjoyable...until the end. But i still had my struggles, but choose to fully rely on God and know he woud give us the perfect child for us. October 27th 2015 @ 2:46pm Colton was born.    Now faith and belief is an every day struggle. Laying my burdens down and walking away is hard. I still struggle daily, with truly letting thing go and trusting that God knows what hes doing because its hard to trust when you cant see what the big picture is or even what the one piece is. 

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary.and young men stumble and fall:

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. 

They will run and grow weary

they will walk and not be faint"

~Isaiah 40:29-31

The Final Chapter.....

      On October 27th 2015 at 2:46 pm in Room 11 at UMC Family Birth Center surrounded by love, Our third and final child was born. A boy, weighing six pounds three ounces, measuring nineteen inches long, came rushing into the world. Sent from his Sister, from the Heavens above to be Our Colton Sawyer. 

       We arrived at 730am at UMC Birth Center, to fill out the piles of paperwork that comes when you have a child. At 8am We were lead to room 11, where the whole birth would take place. After exams and IV's, we got pitosin started. I was already having contractions and had been since 36 weeks, this now on my 39th week of pregnancy. I had and amazing doula or birth coach, Sarah. She got me on a birth ball, and started diffusing oils. The Contractions started picking up. Around 1pm Dr B checked and i was at a 6Cm. we thought we were in for a long evening. Dr B returned to clinic, Contractions picked up hot and heavy. I asked for demoral ( iv pain med sent from the Heavens). Colton Didn't like it much, his heart rate kept dropping after trying my sides. Mike and Sarah got me to my hands and knees...where things took a turn. I felt different, the contractions were different. I felt more pressure. So i had them Check me....9 1/2..... I by know was in a trance trying to calm myself and keep myself from pushing. Because my body had taken over. I rolled to my side where my husband, mike, was. There he tried to calm me and I just wanted to punch him.... im not really sure why. Then....it popped...my water...all over me the bed and at the time I thought my husband. I just looked up at him and said.... I'm Sorry... where he insisted I had done nothing. From then on was a blurr of me trying not to push, people telling me to breath...which I was trying to calm my breathing, I have this fear of drowning and in this moment I was...I had people setting up, and my only thought was if this dr doesn't get here fast, I'm going to push!!! Finally Dr B walked in and i here " do i have time to get dressed..my thought " God I hope hes not naked" followed by "HURRY UP IM PUSHING!!"
I relaxed enough to gather my thoughts and push....2 pushes and me asking God to Guide me.... Colton Sawyer Thomas-Fuller At 2:46pm. Oh how he looked like a mix of his sister and brother, the perfect combo. His Hair, oh his hair. not curly but not straight. His eyes a grey blue. 

Our Second Rainbow Born October 27th 2015!!

Our Birth Story In Pictures 

http://halfmyheartphotography.pixieset.com/coltonsbirth/

I was ashamed!

Dear Kennedy, 


      I know you'll never read this, and you already know most of it, but your brothers and the rest of the world needs to know. I wasn't always strong, that at times I doubted my ability, that at times i was ashamed to say i was having a special daughter. So here it goes....

 The day we found out you were a girl was the scariest day of my life. I cried, i wanted so badly to have a boy, but i didn't know if it was that or if it was the fact that we had just been told that you, had Hypo-plastic left Heart Syndrome. Basically, you only had half a heart and would need several surgeries to help you have a chance at survival. Your daddy cried too, he didnt know what to how to "fix" the situation. Here we are married for a couple of months and then we find out we are pregnant. We didn't know if we were ready for a Special child heck even a "normal" child. We spent the rest of the pregnancy, in and out of dr's. I could "nest" like a normal mom for fear that you would never come home. I bought little things here and there, but the one thing I bought in bulk was... Band-aids. I wanted so badly just to put a band-aid on you and it would all be better. There were nights id wake up from a bad dream, one where the drs didn't know how to fix you. I'd cry and I wondered why me, why would I be chosen to carry and have you. Was there a lesson I needed to learn, did I do something wrong and piss God off. We were offered to abort you, I knew I didn't want to, but there was a time when I thought.... would it be easier, would I be better off without you, could I abort a 20 week old baby girl. Then I heard this voice say no don't, you need this child, she is the one I have chosen for you and your husband, trust me. So I did, the weeks went by so slow, I just held on to my faith that you would be ok and it would be simple. That you would have a simple surgery, that you would be home rather quick. The day you were born, the best day of my life. I opted for a natural birth so just in case, id have that pain, that will to know i could do it. YOU were an angel, all 5 pounds 13 ounces of you. You had curly long hair, grey/Green eyes, you looked just like me when I was born. You had your daddies curls, and his stubbornness. You went straight to NICU, the foreign land where you only hope your child doesn't end up. There we met the dr's that would do your surgery and nurses that took care of you. I finally was able to hold the little girl that could. You were an Angel, you captured my heart. Then it was daddies turn, he was so nervous, but he was a natural. he held you until he couldn't. Then came time to hand you off to the surgeons. I didn't want you to go, for fear that you would never come back "whole". I feared I'd never see your face....EVER again. 6-8 hours later you were back in NICU..... I wasn't prepared for what i saw. machines, beeping, you laying there...not moving...not opening your eyes, the little girl I had held hours ago....was gone. You weren't a baby, you were fighting for your life, the life I fought so hard to bring into this world... was struggling. I wanted to hide, to turn back time, to make you all better...but I couldn't this was and is my reality. I let your grandparents and aunt come back to see you, they to were shocked but what they saw, but never showed it. that night I cried, I was ashamed, i didn't know how to handle you, much less the surgeries you needed to help you. The next day, was the surgery that would for ever mark you. 8-10 hours later you were brought to the PICU floor... another foreign land. I still was unprepared for what i saw. the once perfect no scared child now had a mark from just below the neck to the belly, with drains, and lines and a vent. You looked so beautiful still, you were my angel. I didn't want anyone to see you like this, i was ashamed. But slowly, i allowed people in, I allowed myself to open up and see you for what you were.... A fighter, a warrior... A heart Baby. I learned many things, i met other moms like me. I wasn't alone. i could do this with their help. I found the beauty in you. My eyes had been closed and i was blind. I needed help, I couldn't do this all on my own. You may have been 1 in 100 but i wasn't alone in thinking the thoughts i did. Then... we got called into this room.... i knew what was about to come, but i needed to hear it... i needed it to be said out loud.... " There nothing more we can do for your daughter!" I callapes, pissed at God, in denial, wanting my dad to fix it make it right make my baby WHOLE!! I wanted you to be here for ever. There was so many things i wanted to show you. I wanted sleepless nights, booboos, first dates, proms, weddings, watching you dance with your father....in that moment i didnt just loose you i lost my hope and dreams i fought so hard to find. we brought in our families... Me still ashamed i couldnt be presenting them with a "whole" baby. I was ashamed they were saying their hellos and good byes in the same day. the time came for me and your dad to let you fly. We held on to each other and sang your song...Twinkle Twinkle... and then there was no more heart beat...you were in Heaven. We walked into the room filled with awaing family members...and we announced that you had passed. Me... still ashamed... i could announce any good news. We called and announced it to the world. We made arrangements, i never thought i could make. I held the hand of the only man who fully knew what i was feeling. You, Kennedy, You had the world watch and attending your memorial. In that moment, when i walked into the room where your service was...i wasn't ashamed... i was proud i was proud of the Angel you had become. In that moment i was at peace. I learned was it felt like to be completely at peace with everything. You were there holding our hands, just as proud as we were of you. In the weeks and months following your death, i learned how to be me again. I learned how to be a better wife to your daddy. I learned that you were a blessing, i also learned that you had sent us a special surprise........due on your one year Angel-versy. Jimmie was your way of letting us know you really aren't that far away. Jimmie was born on week after your First Birthday. Hes is a Blessing, a reminder that after your death there truly is light. Then there's Colton, not yet born but sooo much a reminder that you are around. That good really does exists. Kennedy you were my greatest fear, and you showed me how to me strong. You showed me normal isn't normal. You showed me Why?


Love 
Mom

22 Days Until Heaven: An Aunts Story

Aunty Coley's Story


22 days...that is all it took for this strong little girl to change our lives forever. Such a short time for such big changes. Here is my story. 
See I knew the NICU and PICU existed, but that was always an over there kind of thing. I was so scared to walk into NICU that first time, but my love for Kennedy was too great to ignore. So I scrubbed up and put on those lovely yellow gowns and went to meet my niece. The feelings running through me thoes next thirty minutes were indescribable. Through all of that I remember the look on my sisters face as she introduced me to niece, the pride and love. She was scared but she was strong. She was no longer just my sister, she was a mother. it wasn't until Kennedy was moved into the PICU that I began to realize that I was changing. Looking in at Kenni so small on such a giant bed, so many machines and medicine pumping into her tiny body. But also looking out and realizing she was just one of many in that small corner of the hospital. Seeing the faces of parents who understood the terror and hope coursing though my sister. The way every head would turn when an alarm went off, and often times bow to say a quick prayer. I realized that these parents aren't like normal parents. They weren't numbering the weeks till their child heald their head up on their own, they were praying for their child to breath on their own. Praying that their heart would continue to pump on its own. It was all so foreign to me. Kennedy introduced me to a world where children had fight for their life before they said their first word. It was amazing and eye opening. It wasn't until some months after Kennedy passed on that the thought to do more hit me again. My sister asked me to go with her to a Halloween party for her heart family and I agreed. I had no idea how that night would change me. I walked into that room only to be met by twenty or so kids running around in various costumes with a look of pure excitment. At first glance it was just another Halloween party. But if you look closer you'll notice the scar on the neck of the little ballerina, the feeding tube hooked around spiderman's ear, the diaper bags filled with medicine instead of toys. And they all had one thing in common, the scar running down the center of their chest. They were survivors. At dinner I sat down next to a lady who was excited and anxious about an upcoming meeting at the school. Me being nosey I asked how old her son was and was surprised to learn he was just three years old. Continuing to be nosey, I asked more questions and she explained that her son has spent his first three years in and out of the hospital and was delayed in his development. She was confident that he would overcome these delays because her son was obviously a fighter. This woman gave me my first taste of special education in the real world. I looked around and realized that some of these vibrant children would need that extra boost in school. They had fought so hard to live that some of the normal milestones were missed or delayed. That next semester I decided to take a class about special education and I was hooked. This December I will graduate as special education teacher. Kennedy opened my eyes to a whole new world and I am forever grateful. She will always be the angel that inspired me to do more.








Aunt Kirsten's Story

The day I lost my hero I thought the day would be normal I thought that I would go to work and then to the hospital to see my best friend and my hero but when I woke up I knew something was off I knew something was different and I didn't know why but I got up and went to work but worried all day for a reason I could not place...yet. Then right before I got off work I got a call from Cassie, it was then that I knew why the day felt so wrong, my niece my hero and my warrior was gone. I didn't know what to do so I just ran I ran to my car and I ran to Cassie I was so lost I thought that the world was crashing in front of me and I was going to fall into an abyss below my feet at any moment I found Dezi at the PICU doors and fell into her I couldn't even stand I couldn't breathe I couldn't function. I felt so angry and mad at God for taking her and for doing this to Cassie and Mike for taking their daughter from their arms. I wanted to hit something and scream for him to give her back but I knew it would be to no avail so I cried into the arms of people who before Kenni I just knew as my sisters family but had become mine as well through this battle. I waited until I saw Cassie and ran to her we cried and talked and cried even more I held her the best I could to keep her from falling into the abyss with me. Then it was my time to say goodbye I walked into the room that I can no longer even look at anymore and saw my niece on her bed and for the first time I touched her body and didn't feel any tubes or any bandages I just felt her soft skin and looked into her beautiful face and told her how proud I was of her and that I could not wait to see her smile one day and hear her laughter I told her to find her family and give them her momma and daddies love and to watch over mom and dad because they needed her and I promised I would keep an eye on them and comfort them and be by their side no matter what but most of all I told her how much I loved her and that I would never forget I would always fight for her and keep her close to my heart. I went into that room in shock and so angry but i left mourning but at peace knowing she was ok and safe and no longer hurting. This day still haunts my soul and I still wake up crying for my niece and u best believe I pick up every penny I find and thank her for her gift to me. Aunt Kirsten Aka aunt rabbit