Dear Kennedy,
I know you'll never read this, and you already know most of it, but your brothers and the rest of the world needs to know. I wasn't always strong, that at times I doubted my ability, that at times i was ashamed to say i was having a special daughter. So here it goes....
The day we found out you were a girl was the scariest day of my life. I cried, i wanted so badly to have a boy, but i didn't know if it was that or if it was the fact that we had just been told that you, had Hypo-plastic left Heart Syndrome. Basically, you only had half a heart and would need several surgeries to help you have a chance at survival. Your daddy cried too, he didnt know what to how to "fix" the situation. Here we are married for a couple of months and then we find out we are pregnant. We didn't know if we were ready for a Special child heck even a "normal" child. We spent the rest of the pregnancy, in and out of dr's. I could "nest" like a normal mom for fear that you would never come home. I bought little things here and there, but the one thing I bought in bulk was... Band-aids. I wanted so badly just to put a band-aid on you and it would all be better. There were nights id wake up from a bad dream, one where the drs didn't know how to fix you. I'd cry and I wondered why me, why would I be chosen to carry and have you. Was there a lesson I needed to learn, did I do something wrong and piss God off. We were offered to abort you, I knew I didn't want to, but there was a time when I thought.... would it be easier, would I be better off without you, could I abort a 20 week old baby girl. Then I heard this voice say no don't, you need this child, she is the one I have chosen for you and your husband, trust me. So I did, the weeks went by so slow, I just held on to my faith that you would be ok and it would be simple. That you would have a simple surgery, that you would be home rather quick. The day you were born, the best day of my life. I opted for a natural birth so just in case, id have that pain, that will to know i could do it. YOU were an angel, all 5 pounds 13 ounces of you. You had curly long hair, grey/Green eyes, you looked just like me when I was born. You had your daddies curls, and his stubbornness. You went straight to NICU, the foreign land where you only hope your child doesn't end up. There we met the dr's that would do your surgery and nurses that took care of you. I finally was able to hold the little girl that could. You were an Angel, you captured my heart. Then it was daddies turn, he was so nervous, but he was a natural. he held you until he couldn't. Then came time to hand you off to the surgeons. I didn't want you to go, for fear that you would never come back "whole". I feared I'd never see your face....EVER again. 6-8 hours later you were back in NICU..... I wasn't prepared for what i saw. machines, beeping, you laying there...not moving...not opening your eyes, the little girl I had held hours ago....was gone. You weren't a baby, you were fighting for your life, the life I fought so hard to bring into this world... was struggling. I wanted to hide, to turn back time, to make you all better...but I couldn't this was and is my reality. I let your grandparents and aunt come back to see you, they to were shocked but what they saw, but never showed it. that night I cried, I was ashamed, i didn't know how to handle you, much less the surgeries you needed to help you. The next day, was the surgery that would for ever mark you. 8-10 hours later you were brought to the PICU floor... another foreign land. I still was unprepared for what i saw. the once perfect no scared child now had a mark from just below the neck to the belly, with drains, and lines and a vent. You looked so beautiful still, you were my angel. I didn't want anyone to see you like this, i was ashamed. But slowly, i allowed people in, I allowed myself to open up and see you for what you were.... A fighter, a warrior... A heart Baby. I learned many things, i met other moms like me. I wasn't alone. i could do this with their help. I found the beauty in you. My eyes had been closed and i was blind. I needed help, I couldn't do this all on my own. You may have been 1 in 100 but i wasn't alone in thinking the thoughts i did. Then... we got called into this room.... i knew what was about to come, but i needed to hear it... i needed it to be said out loud.... " There nothing more we can do for your daughter!" I callapes, pissed at God, in denial, wanting my dad to fix it make it right make my baby WHOLE!! I wanted you to be here for ever. There was so many things i wanted to show you. I wanted sleepless nights, booboos, first dates, proms, weddings, watching you dance with your father....in that moment i didnt just loose you i lost my hope and dreams i fought so hard to find. we brought in our families... Me still ashamed i couldnt be presenting them with a "whole" baby. I was ashamed they were saying their hellos and good byes in the same day. the time came for me and your dad to let you fly. We held on to each other and sang your song...Twinkle Twinkle... and then there was no more heart beat...you were in Heaven. We walked into the room filled with awaing family members...and we announced that you had passed. Me... still ashamed... i could announce any good news. We called and announced it to the world. We made arrangements, i never thought i could make. I held the hand of the only man who fully knew what i was feeling. You, Kennedy, You had the world watch and attending your memorial. In that moment, when i walked into the room where your service was...i wasn't ashamed... i was proud i was proud of the Angel you had become. In that moment i was at peace. I learned was it felt like to be completely at peace with everything. You were there holding our hands, just as proud as we were of you. In the weeks and months following your death, i learned how to be me again. I learned how to be a better wife to your daddy. I learned that you were a blessing, i also learned that you had sent us a special surprise........due on your one year Angel-versy. Jimmie was your way of letting us know you really aren't that far away. Jimmie was born on week after your First Birthday. Hes is a Blessing, a reminder that after your death there truly is light. Then there's Colton, not yet born but sooo much a reminder that you are around. That good really does exists. Kennedy you were my greatest fear, and you showed me how to me strong. You showed me normal isn't normal. You showed me Why?
Love
Mom
