The Final Chapter.....

      On October 27th 2015 at 2:46 pm in Room 11 at UMC Family Birth Center surrounded by love, Our third and final child was born. A boy, weighing six pounds three ounces, measuring nineteen inches long, came rushing into the world. Sent from his Sister, from the Heavens above to be Our Colton Sawyer. 

       We arrived at 730am at UMC Birth Center, to fill out the piles of paperwork that comes when you have a child. At 8am We were lead to room 11, where the whole birth would take place. After exams and IV's, we got pitosin started. I was already having contractions and had been since 36 weeks, this now on my 39th week of pregnancy. I had and amazing doula or birth coach, Sarah. She got me on a birth ball, and started diffusing oils. The Contractions started picking up. Around 1pm Dr B checked and i was at a 6Cm. we thought we were in for a long evening. Dr B returned to clinic, Contractions picked up hot and heavy. I asked for demoral ( iv pain med sent from the Heavens). Colton Didn't like it much, his heart rate kept dropping after trying my sides. Mike and Sarah got me to my hands and knees...where things took a turn. I felt different, the contractions were different. I felt more pressure. So i had them Check me....9 1/2..... I by know was in a trance trying to calm myself and keep myself from pushing. Because my body had taken over. I rolled to my side where my husband, mike, was. There he tried to calm me and I just wanted to punch him.... im not really sure why. Then....it popped...my water...all over me the bed and at the time I thought my husband. I just looked up at him and said.... I'm Sorry... where he insisted I had done nothing. From then on was a blurr of me trying not to push, people telling me to breath...which I was trying to calm my breathing, I have this fear of drowning and in this moment I was...I had people setting up, and my only thought was if this dr doesn't get here fast, I'm going to push!!! Finally Dr B walked in and i here " do i have time to get dressed..my thought " God I hope hes not naked" followed by "HURRY UP IM PUSHING!!"
I relaxed enough to gather my thoughts and push....2 pushes and me asking God to Guide me.... Colton Sawyer Thomas-Fuller At 2:46pm. Oh how he looked like a mix of his sister and brother, the perfect combo. His Hair, oh his hair. not curly but not straight. His eyes a grey blue. 

Our Second Rainbow Born October 27th 2015!!

Our Birth Story In Pictures 

http://halfmyheartphotography.pixieset.com/coltonsbirth/

I was ashamed!

Dear Kennedy, 


      I know you'll never read this, and you already know most of it, but your brothers and the rest of the world needs to know. I wasn't always strong, that at times I doubted my ability, that at times i was ashamed to say i was having a special daughter. So here it goes....

 The day we found out you were a girl was the scariest day of my life. I cried, i wanted so badly to have a boy, but i didn't know if it was that or if it was the fact that we had just been told that you, had Hypo-plastic left Heart Syndrome. Basically, you only had half a heart and would need several surgeries to help you have a chance at survival. Your daddy cried too, he didnt know what to how to "fix" the situation. Here we are married for a couple of months and then we find out we are pregnant. We didn't know if we were ready for a Special child heck even a "normal" child. We spent the rest of the pregnancy, in and out of dr's. I could "nest" like a normal mom for fear that you would never come home. I bought little things here and there, but the one thing I bought in bulk was... Band-aids. I wanted so badly just to put a band-aid on you and it would all be better. There were nights id wake up from a bad dream, one where the drs didn't know how to fix you. I'd cry and I wondered why me, why would I be chosen to carry and have you. Was there a lesson I needed to learn, did I do something wrong and piss God off. We were offered to abort you, I knew I didn't want to, but there was a time when I thought.... would it be easier, would I be better off without you, could I abort a 20 week old baby girl. Then I heard this voice say no don't, you need this child, she is the one I have chosen for you and your husband, trust me. So I did, the weeks went by so slow, I just held on to my faith that you would be ok and it would be simple. That you would have a simple surgery, that you would be home rather quick. The day you were born, the best day of my life. I opted for a natural birth so just in case, id have that pain, that will to know i could do it. YOU were an angel, all 5 pounds 13 ounces of you. You had curly long hair, grey/Green eyes, you looked just like me when I was born. You had your daddies curls, and his stubbornness. You went straight to NICU, the foreign land where you only hope your child doesn't end up. There we met the dr's that would do your surgery and nurses that took care of you. I finally was able to hold the little girl that could. You were an Angel, you captured my heart. Then it was daddies turn, he was so nervous, but he was a natural. he held you until he couldn't. Then came time to hand you off to the surgeons. I didn't want you to go, for fear that you would never come back "whole". I feared I'd never see your face....EVER again. 6-8 hours later you were back in NICU..... I wasn't prepared for what i saw. machines, beeping, you laying there...not moving...not opening your eyes, the little girl I had held hours ago....was gone. You weren't a baby, you were fighting for your life, the life I fought so hard to bring into this world... was struggling. I wanted to hide, to turn back time, to make you all better...but I couldn't this was and is my reality. I let your grandparents and aunt come back to see you, they to were shocked but what they saw, but never showed it. that night I cried, I was ashamed, i didn't know how to handle you, much less the surgeries you needed to help you. The next day, was the surgery that would for ever mark you. 8-10 hours later you were brought to the PICU floor... another foreign land. I still was unprepared for what i saw. the once perfect no scared child now had a mark from just below the neck to the belly, with drains, and lines and a vent. You looked so beautiful still, you were my angel. I didn't want anyone to see you like this, i was ashamed. But slowly, i allowed people in, I allowed myself to open up and see you for what you were.... A fighter, a warrior... A heart Baby. I learned many things, i met other moms like me. I wasn't alone. i could do this with their help. I found the beauty in you. My eyes had been closed and i was blind. I needed help, I couldn't do this all on my own. You may have been 1 in 100 but i wasn't alone in thinking the thoughts i did. Then... we got called into this room.... i knew what was about to come, but i needed to hear it... i needed it to be said out loud.... " There nothing more we can do for your daughter!" I callapes, pissed at God, in denial, wanting my dad to fix it make it right make my baby WHOLE!! I wanted you to be here for ever. There was so many things i wanted to show you. I wanted sleepless nights, booboos, first dates, proms, weddings, watching you dance with your father....in that moment i didnt just loose you i lost my hope and dreams i fought so hard to find. we brought in our families... Me still ashamed i couldnt be presenting them with a "whole" baby. I was ashamed they were saying their hellos and good byes in the same day. the time came for me and your dad to let you fly. We held on to each other and sang your song...Twinkle Twinkle... and then there was no more heart beat...you were in Heaven. We walked into the room filled with awaing family members...and we announced that you had passed. Me... still ashamed... i could announce any good news. We called and announced it to the world. We made arrangements, i never thought i could make. I held the hand of the only man who fully knew what i was feeling. You, Kennedy, You had the world watch and attending your memorial. In that moment, when i walked into the room where your service was...i wasn't ashamed... i was proud i was proud of the Angel you had become. In that moment i was at peace. I learned was it felt like to be completely at peace with everything. You were there holding our hands, just as proud as we were of you. In the weeks and months following your death, i learned how to be me again. I learned how to be a better wife to your daddy. I learned that you were a blessing, i also learned that you had sent us a special surprise........due on your one year Angel-versy. Jimmie was your way of letting us know you really aren't that far away. Jimmie was born on week after your First Birthday. Hes is a Blessing, a reminder that after your death there truly is light. Then there's Colton, not yet born but sooo much a reminder that you are around. That good really does exists. Kennedy you were my greatest fear, and you showed me how to me strong. You showed me normal isn't normal. You showed me Why?


Love 
Mom

22 Days Until Heaven: An Aunts Story

Aunty Coley's Story


22 days...that is all it took for this strong little girl to change our lives forever. Such a short time for such big changes. Here is my story. 
See I knew the NICU and PICU existed, but that was always an over there kind of thing. I was so scared to walk into NICU that first time, but my love for Kennedy was too great to ignore. So I scrubbed up and put on those lovely yellow gowns and went to meet my niece. The feelings running through me thoes next thirty minutes were indescribable. Through all of that I remember the look on my sisters face as she introduced me to niece, the pride and love. She was scared but she was strong. She was no longer just my sister, she was a mother. it wasn't until Kennedy was moved into the PICU that I began to realize that I was changing. Looking in at Kenni so small on such a giant bed, so many machines and medicine pumping into her tiny body. But also looking out and realizing she was just one of many in that small corner of the hospital. Seeing the faces of parents who understood the terror and hope coursing though my sister. The way every head would turn when an alarm went off, and often times bow to say a quick prayer. I realized that these parents aren't like normal parents. They weren't numbering the weeks till their child heald their head up on their own, they were praying for their child to breath on their own. Praying that their heart would continue to pump on its own. It was all so foreign to me. Kennedy introduced me to a world where children had fight for their life before they said their first word. It was amazing and eye opening. It wasn't until some months after Kennedy passed on that the thought to do more hit me again. My sister asked me to go with her to a Halloween party for her heart family and I agreed. I had no idea how that night would change me. I walked into that room only to be met by twenty or so kids running around in various costumes with a look of pure excitment. At first glance it was just another Halloween party. But if you look closer you'll notice the scar on the neck of the little ballerina, the feeding tube hooked around spiderman's ear, the diaper bags filled with medicine instead of toys. And they all had one thing in common, the scar running down the center of their chest. They were survivors. At dinner I sat down next to a lady who was excited and anxious about an upcoming meeting at the school. Me being nosey I asked how old her son was and was surprised to learn he was just three years old. Continuing to be nosey, I asked more questions and she explained that her son has spent his first three years in and out of the hospital and was delayed in his development. She was confident that he would overcome these delays because her son was obviously a fighter. This woman gave me my first taste of special education in the real world. I looked around and realized that some of these vibrant children would need that extra boost in school. They had fought so hard to live that some of the normal milestones were missed or delayed. That next semester I decided to take a class about special education and I was hooked. This December I will graduate as special education teacher. Kennedy opened my eyes to a whole new world and I am forever grateful. She will always be the angel that inspired me to do more.








Aunt Kirsten's Story

The day I lost my hero I thought the day would be normal I thought that I would go to work and then to the hospital to see my best friend and my hero but when I woke up I knew something was off I knew something was different and I didn't know why but I got up and went to work but worried all day for a reason I could not place...yet. Then right before I got off work I got a call from Cassie, it was then that I knew why the day felt so wrong, my niece my hero and my warrior was gone. I didn't know what to do so I just ran I ran to my car and I ran to Cassie I was so lost I thought that the world was crashing in front of me and I was going to fall into an abyss below my feet at any moment I found Dezi at the PICU doors and fell into her I couldn't even stand I couldn't breathe I couldn't function. I felt so angry and mad at God for taking her and for doing this to Cassie and Mike for taking their daughter from their arms. I wanted to hit something and scream for him to give her back but I knew it would be to no avail so I cried into the arms of people who before Kenni I just knew as my sisters family but had become mine as well through this battle. I waited until I saw Cassie and ran to her we cried and talked and cried even more I held her the best I could to keep her from falling into the abyss with me. Then it was my time to say goodbye I walked into the room that I can no longer even look at anymore and saw my niece on her bed and for the first time I touched her body and didn't feel any tubes or any bandages I just felt her soft skin and looked into her beautiful face and told her how proud I was of her and that I could not wait to see her smile one day and hear her laughter I told her to find her family and give them her momma and daddies love and to watch over mom and dad because they needed her and I promised I would keep an eye on them and comfort them and be by their side no matter what but most of all I told her how much I loved her and that I would never forget I would always fight for her and keep her close to my heart. I went into that room in shock and so angry but i left mourning but at peace knowing she was ok and safe and no longer hurting. This day still haunts my soul and I still wake up crying for my niece and u best believe I pick up every penny I find and thank her for her gift to me. Aunt Kirsten Aka aunt rabbit

22 Days until Heaven: A Mothers Story

July 5th, 2012

Today, An Angel was born. Kennedy Fallyn was born at 3:28pm weighting 5 pounds 13 ounces 21 inches. Special Heart and all. the perfect picture of an Angel. We spent all of 5 seconds together but SHE WAS MINE. I gave birth to her. She went Straight to NICU. A foreign part of the hospital, i knew it was there but never pictured ever being there. I never imagined walking though the doors, scrubbing up, walking to a curtained roomed, hearing sounds i never knew of. There she was, my baby girl, my hero in flesh and blood. the machines disappeared, the nurses disappeared, it was me her and her daddy. we spent hours with her. 

July 8th 2012

We were discharged from the hospital. As we left I was wheeled out and as I passed mom's carrying their babies, I broke down.... I had to leave my baby in the hospital. We came home unpacked the car a bit, called places to get a pump. We finally found one. We went to get it and dinner......then.... the call.

The call my husband didn't want to discuss, but he knew I knew so he told me...... I lost it. I scream why my baby, of all the baby's why mine. I prayed so hard. I managed to make the important phone calls I need to make. I managed to post to Facebook. I managed to run up to be by my daughter's side. Remember I had just had her 3 days earlier, naturally... no pain meds in my system. But I made it. I wanted to hold her and tell her she could be strong to make it but instead I told her it was ok to not be strong. I had managed to make myself ok with the fact that I could possibly be loosing my daughter. I loved her so much but I knew this was out of mine, my husband or even the drs hands...... then we got news her heart had started after everything Kennedy came back. She was in critical condition but her heartbeat there. She was a fighter. At that moment I never wanted to leave EVER. I became very scared and never wanted to leave her side. Thankfully the nurses told us about the rooms down stairs. We stayed there. I took in every possible second with her. They placed her on an ECMO machine, a heart lung machine. There she remained for 4-5 days.

July 10th, 2012

Big news on the Kennedy front, she started eating. Since being born she had iv fluids and iv nutrition. I pumped breast milk, and I was a cow. By today I was getting 4-6 Oz per pumping session every 2-3 hours. I was blessed with breastmilk.

Along with being able to get breastmilk, she got off a blood pressure medication, while still on ECMO. For Kennedy that was big. She was holding her own while still getting assistance from the ECMO.

I loved her smell, she smelt so sweet and like mine. I never understood that. I never understood that my child would smell so sweet and I would instantly now she was mine. She was hooked to sooo many machines. Ones for meds, ones for nutrition. Atleast 20. My little girl was hooked up and living off of machines, the life I didn't want for her. But she was fighting, fighting to regulate her tiny 5lb body. Her brain was trying to get used to a new heart, a mended heart. I had met mothers with other heart babies. And they were fighting too. I wasn't alone, I hadn't done this to my baby. My baby wasn't the only one who had a special heart. My child, that grew in my womb, was perfect. I nor her dad did this to her. They came in swarms, to love on me and give us support, they held my hand, they dried my tears, they calmed my fears. They reassured me that she could and would over come this no matter the outcome. They were HEART MOMS! They had there own club. I was apart of a group who knew my fears, not only as a new mom but as a new heart mom.

July 12th, 2012

Today, Oh Today! Today was a hard day for Kennedy and myself. I wanted so bad to hold her, to be a mom, to be a normal family. I wanted to do normal things. I wanted to hear my babies voice. I longed to see her face with no tubes or tape. Today was a bad day for Kennedy, she had trouble. I think for us it's hard to be special and not your normal first time parents.

July 21 2012

With Kennedy if its not one thing its another.
Yeast infection...........in chest cavity & BLOOD!!!!!!
High oxygen stats.............90's when Dr's want it low 80's
3 Artieal lines...................1 wasnt good enough for her.

Yes, me and her daddy are planning on her wanting to go to HARVARD. Any donations???

Our daughter is super stroung but SUPER stuborn, Hard headed and always stiving for the BEST SHE CAN DO!!!!!

Today she was supposed to get her chest closure, but her yeast culture came back positive. Why can't my baby have one thing go right for her. Why can't she just come home and be normal? Why can't I just hold her? Why can't I make her pain and struggles go away? I cry being close doors, I don't want her to see my pain because I know she feels my sadness. There's this struggle, fight going on within my faith and my heart. I'm angry at God for making her struggle to live when other just get to. I'm angry because I want her to just be what I had planned. I want God to let be her mother. I want to see my daughter's face without any tubes and tape. I want to see her chest, scar and all. I want to place bows on her head full of hair. I want to hear her cry, scream laugh..... but I had this feeling I have shoved down so far, that maybe just maybe, God's plan wasn't OUR PLAN!

July 23rd 2012

Today me and Michael decided that I would be a stay at home mom. We wanted kennedy to have the best care and full focus, and that's what we did. We knew it'd be tough but we needed to do it so someone could be with kennedy at all times. We didn't know what was in store but we were ready to face it full swing.

July 24th, 2012

Reality has set in. My 19 day old child, is sicker than we thought. Today, Oh Today I realized that kennedy has months left in the hospital. She has made leaps and bounds but, she is worse than the drs had planned. She did well but then the yeast infection and had hiccups with that. Reality is that her room won't be touch for months on end. Her clothes may never be used, diapers clean, bows never used.

July 27th, 2012

Today, I felt a knot in my throat. I didnt receive a text from my husband until around 10am, i normally wake up to an update text from my hubby. It was my moms day off so we normally went to the hospital together, although she never went in, i knew it was hard for her. Grandparents are fun not serious and this wasnt her cup of tea. I get in the car, she asked if i had talked to mike, and i broke down. I knew, i just knew, they wanted to speak to us both. I get there, wait in the waiting room with my mom, who im sure saw the pain in my eyes, and knew i knew. Mike gets there, they call us back to a private room, the drs sit down,,,,,,and they get about one sentence out, that one sentence NO parent wants to hear....." Im sorry theres nothing more we can do for your daughter." I broke.... I literally remember my mom and husband picking me up and holding me. I remember calling my dad, and begging him to make it better. I remember calling my sister asking for strength. i remember trying to get the courage to go to her room and say my see you laters. i remember our familys first time seeing kennedy was their last time seeing her. I Remember watching the man i love, my rock, my support person, loose it. I remember the long embrace we shared as our daughters heart stopped beating. I remember the first time my baby brother saw his niece was the last and only memory he has of her. i remember thinking this cant be real, this is a cruel cruel joke. I remember taking our first and last family pictures. I remember wondering if id survive. I remember looking at my husband and asking if we'd be ok. i remember coming home to a neat and tidy nursery. I remember laying in bed cuddled up to my husband and just being there, with him, listening to his heart, thanking God i had him. Thanking God i had the one person who turly understood me, the situation. I remember not ever wanting that moment, the moment in the hospital, when " Theres nothing more we can do for your daughter.", I never wanted that moment to have ever happened. But Because it did, I got this one moment, the long embrace, the cuddle, the heartbeat.....THE MAN!

I got 22 wonderful days. Although I wanted more, weeks, months, years. I will embrace my 22 days. Yes its been 3 years but she was my daughter, my warrior, My Angel. I will embrace this path that i was chosen to walk. My daughter wot be forgotten, her name lives on. Although some people think i should be done greiving, I ask you this, which one of your kids would you let go, bury, say see you later and never see again. I gave birth to my Hero!

July 28th, 2012

There is no one more day. There's no more one more medicine to memorize. There's no more let's go to the hospital, let's go up stairs, let's gather around her bed. There's NO MORE KENNEDY! As we prepare for a memorial service for our daughter, we can't help but look at each other and just cry inside tears. Your not supposed to bury your kid, your not supposed to know who preceded your CHILD! As I hold the hand of the only person who knows my feeling, I can't help but plan for our future. Cremation or burial? Where do you bury a child? How could I cremate my child? Flowers? Slide show? The decisions were easy for us. We just looked up at each other and knew. It was like God hand picked this man because we wouldn't have to talk in times like this we would just feel that feeling. We choose cremation, flowers, a celebration of life. We got everything we wanted for her. It was like a birthday party only the guest of honor wouldn't be attending. We spent the day planning our first and only child's FUNERAL! How does that happen? Who is to blame...is anyone to blame?

22 days until Heaven: A Grandparents Heart: Their Stories Of Strength!

A Grandparents Heart: A Yaya Story

How it felt to be a grandparent/Yaya to Kennedy-

It was tough. That's the only word that comes close to describing how it felt. I was there when she took her first breath. She was so beautiful. I was so very proud of my daughter and my son in law. She looked so much like Cassie did the day she was born.

I knew we had a hard fight from the beginning. She was such a fighter.

It was the longest and hardest 22 days of my life. Trying to deal with the pain of watching my granddaughter fight for her life and there literally was nothing I could do but pray and leave her in Gods hands, and watching my daughter hurt so deeply and I as a mom could do nothing. I felt so helpless. I was having a hard time understanding His plan. I had lost my mother in law, my dad, and my little brother all in a span of six months, two and a half years earlier. Now watching my daughter experience a hurt so deep, nothing I did would help.

My mother mode kicked in and I did what I knew best, I took care of them the best I could. Those first couple of nights my daughter wanted me to stay with her and Michael in the hospital, so I did. I slept on the concrete floor in the space of about a foot wide. All I knew was my daughter needed me. I coordinated having food brought in, snacks, drinks, all by friends and family. Whatever was needed I tried to do. Just being mom.

Cassie and Michael showed such strength. I was so proud. In such awe at how they handled everything. They were so young to be handling everything this well.

Kennedy was such a fighter. Kept proving the doctors wrong, pushing the limits. Every time I went in her room, I physically hurt. I would get sick at my stomach from aching so bad. I hurt because I couldn't hold her, I couldn't "fix" her boo boo! I hurt because I didn't know how to help my daughter with one of the hardest, darkest times in her life. Kennedy was such an inspiration to anyone and everyone that heard of her. I never realized until after she passed away how many people were praying for her! She touched people in Canada, Japan, Australia, as well as all over the U. S.

Honestly, I don't know how we all got through everything except to say as a family, we leaned on each other and took turns being strong. With friends and family as our support system and our faith that everything happens for a reason and He had a plan, whether we understood it or not, He would give us the strength to carry on. To know Kenni was in a better place. She had fulfilled her purpose here on earth!

A Grandparents Heart: A Pops Story

The day Kennedy was born was the one of the greatest days of my life-- the joy a grandchild brought to my heart was amazing-- having heard she had a special heart - made me love her even more-- it put my life in perspective that's for sure-- as a parent -- my job is to protect my children from harm or danger-- unable to do anything for my kids broke my heart -- but at the same time a happy heart cause of our first grandchild -- after running through all the emotions -- having to say goodbye to Kennedy was one of the toughest days of my life-- we as grandparents are suppose to spoil our grandkids -- not bury them -- the love this little angel brought into my life has been more than I ever thought I deserved-- I love stronger because of her -- live life to the fullest for because of her-- http://youtu.be/U4yRsT_fPic---

This the song I listen to when I miss her the most and yes because of her --
Love You
POPS

Days.....Weeks... Months.....YEARS!!!

      As I sit here, 17 weeks from my Due date with baby number 3, days until Our second turns 2, days passed Our first turning 3...... I wonder Have they forgotten? Or do they care? Reliving Her 22 days, is like stepping back in time and reliving all the pain, joy, uncertainty that came with being a first time mom. Was i even a mom on Day 23? I mean i had just given birth, but had no child to show. I, a mom, did what was best for my child although part of me didnt want to. Part of me died the day She....Kennedy Fallyn.... died. Do they still remember her? Do they write her name like i do? Its been 3 years since i saw her face, smelled her sweet smell, wiped her tears. Its been 3 years since I held MY Sweet little GIRL! In those 3 years we had her brother, who knows his sister and reminds me daily that she loves me. In those three years we planned birthdays, Holidays, family trips.... without Her. In those three years, we are preparing for her second baby brother. Days following her death i couldn't see beyond that day, or i didnt want to. I wanted to hold on to the pain and her memory. I lost all hope in being happy. In the weeks following her death, I slowly became "ok". If "ok" is a state of living. In the weeks following her death i found happiness, happiness i felt guilty for feeling. In the months following her death i found out i was pregnant again. In the months following her death, i learned to live again. As life went on, her memory slowly faded. The day to day life of raising a family, came and her memory slowly drifted to the back of my mind. All i have are her 22 days on an app that reminds me what happened on this day.... and i only get Her 22 days one time a year. I am only reminded of what happened in her 22 days, July 5th through July 27th. Because on Day 23..... My life as a Grieving  Mother began. I had to answer the dreaded question " how many kids do you have?' or is he your first? I learned words and phases like living, dead, earth born, Heaven Born. I learned to swallow that lump as i hear my daughters name called in the store. I had to learn its the small things that count. I learned to love my new life. As i look over at my almost 2 year old son playing by himself, knowing in my heart there SHOULD be 2 playing. That he should be an only child. I realize he never really is Alone. So if he remembers why shouldn't they? Oh the storys we will one day tell Our Boys of their sister, her strength, our strength. 

I have 3 children, 1 girl Heaven bound, 2 boys, Her living Legacy!
No Hes not my First, Hes my first boy though!


Kennedy Fallyn Thomas-Fuller 
July 5th 2012- July 27th 2012

Storytellers: Motherhood: Every Storm Runs Out Of Rain By Cassie Thomas-Fuller

Motherhood for me started years ago. I am the oldest of 4 and come from a large family. I helped were needed with each of them, i waslike a little mother to each of them. At a young age I knew what i wanted to be a MOTHER. I have always wanted to be someones mother.When I met my husband in July 2008 I knew he was the one for me, although we remained friends until September 2008,  We were married September 6th 2011. Early on morning In November 2011, i took 5, yes 5 test and allllll were Positive. I was somebodies Mom. Although it took until February 2012 to figure out if baby was a he or she. After a wait in the waiting room, and various ultrasound techs in and out of my room, I knew there was something wrong. That day we found out that we were having a GIRL, Kennedy would be her name, but she was special. Our daughter had a congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, basically she would be born with half of a heart. We went to multiple drs and were monitored real close until our due date. I knew that being a mother to a special was an honor but there was that since of uncertainty. July 5th @ 3:28pm Kennedy Fallyn made her debut Earth side. She was so beautiful and Strong. I knew she needed surgery, but i wanted to hold her first so i did. the emotions were so strong i was somebodies MOM.. On day 3 Kennedy went in for her first of 3 surgeries she would need to help her survive. That evening, was the worst, Kennedy didn't have a heart beat for 15-20 Minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. They got her heartbeat back, Kennedy was a fighter. Kennedy had her ups and downs, she had good days and she had bad. Day 22 came.. that day July 27th... They wanted to speak to both her father and I, about the surgery they had done on her intestines. I knew, at that moment my baby wouldnt be coming home. Call it a mothers intuition but i knew at that moment she would never see life outside of the hospital. Day 22 We, my husband and I made the hardest decision we would ever make. After family got to come say their see you laters, we sent everyone out. At 3:28pm July 27th 2012 Kennedy was born into Heaven. Grief comes in waves. Some stonger than others. Being Kennedy's Mom didn't end when her heart stopped beating. Motherhood to this point was by far the hardest adventure i had ever been a willing participant in. We knew we didnt want kennedy to be our one and only. We talked and weighted everything. We prayed and we left it in Gods hands. Thanksgiving Day 2012, I was feeling yucky, so i took a test just to make sure. It was positive. I was going to be a MOM again. I had so many emotions. I was still grieving Kennedy. How could i be a mom to this baby. Well i tried and tried to be close to baby bug( i had horrible nausea), but it wasnt until we found out the baby was healthy that i allowed myself to get close. And even then i had problems bonding. We found out we were expecting a boy, which made it easier in a way. Jimmie was due July 27th, 2013, we had a funny little angel. But Early July 12,i went in tolabor and delivery for contractions. It wasn't until July 13th at 9:11am that Our Rainbow Baby ( a baby after a loss) Jimmie Wayde was born. Jimmie is now a happy, healthy 21 month old. He is everything a mother could ask for. I am still grieving, i will until the day I hold my baby forever. Being a Angel mom and Rainbow mom is very emotionally draining at times. But i would't trade it for the world. Our Rainbow Story isn't over yet we will be adding a 3rd child to our family in November.

                                                       
   

You Know Your a Bereaved Mother when......

Well for me it wasn't until after all the "festivities" of losing a child were over, when the house was silent, when i had just had a baby but was sleeping through the night. When i had no crying, when there were no late night calls to my mother for help. I knew i was a 'Bereaved' mother when the people who had saw me pregnant and asked about her or ran the opposite way for fear of reminding me that my daughter DIED! Like i could ever forget. But For me reality set in when I walked into a perfectly prepared room and realized that there was no baby, no life, no Kennedy. 

  

This child i had prepared for, longed to hold, learned about her condition, was no longer HERE. That's when My faith was Lost, that when i became angry that i couldn't have MY CHILD. But other who  did drugs, mistreated, plainly didn't deserve children, got to have THEIRS. I was so angry. I was then I knew I was a "Bereaved" mother. This child i had constructed within my womb was no longer MINE.

I have asked Other 'Bereaved ' moms to Chim in on this subject, Check back in a few days to hear from them.