The Reason For the Season!

In Light of resent events...all family(ish) related. I decided to take to my blogg and share my feelings. so with coffee in hand ill share.

Before Kennedy was Born i sat down and wrote in her baby book. I wrote all sorts of things from memories to hopes and dreams. There's this section for the parents to write a letter to there child. I wrote to her before I held her in my arms, just in case there was no holding in my arms outside of the womb. I want to share that with yall.......

" Kennedy,

         One day when you read this I want you to know how much of a blessing you are. You are very Special to both your dad and I. You are also a big blessing to the family. I will always love you and support you. Although we may not always get along, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. No matter what you can always come to your dad and I..............................................................................................................................................................................................................."

I don't think I ever Finished it partly because i never wanted her story to end. I didn't want to think of what happens next. I didn't want to read the words "The End" in the Book Of Kennedy. But when It happened I Couldn't finish her letter,partly because i knew she'd never read it, she'd never see her baby book and look at her tiny little feet and hands. She'd never laugh at the silly things i wrote down for her. But as i sit here watching Our Little Rainbow grow up to fast, I think to myself, Why am i sad? She lives on threw me and Her dad and Her Baby Brother. She gives hope to us throw small things her brother does. Kennedy's story wont ever really "be over" but yet live on differently than I had hoped. Its the small things in Life that matter the most, not the first or even the last, but yet the smiles, the small achievements or even the passing of Gas (inside joke). Those things will live on Forever and be remembered the most. As i skim through her baby book I remember the funny things I wrote down, I remember the pictures we took, I remember KENNEDY FALLYN THOMAS-FULLER the way, She wanted us to remember her. Writing things down in a baby book might not be for the child but yet the Parents, to remember the good times, the hard and just simply to remember the Child. 

 

Christmas season is when i feel the closest to Kennedy, mainly because it was the last time before the Heart diagnosis, that i truly remember being HAPPY. Dont get me wrong, I'm happy, but a different Happy. Loosing a child makes you change YOURSELF, your visions of the world, your expectations of the everyday emotions. You have to "let go" of your expectations of everything and find the new you. I have always, always been a very positive person, everything happens for a reason, wither we like it or not. So when it comes to Christmas season, I know there's a reason for me to be excited to see lights, trees, family..... My daughter.....she wants me to be TRULY happy. The kind of happy i felt when she was safe in my womb. For me i could have Christmas.... ALL YEAR!!

So this Season....... REMEMBER WHY WE CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!!!

Remember the Mother and Father who gave there Son up for You and I! Remember They loved him but God Loved Him More. 

Capture Your Grief 2014

I plan on being open and honest during all of these days. I will also try and do a few ahead just in case.

Day 1: Sunrise
  The most peaceful time. Oh to see the Light on her Face!

Day 2: Heart

I Carry Your Heart by E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in

my heart)I am never without it(anywhere

I go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      I fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Instead of drawing a heart, I found this little gem. I carry KENNEDY FALLYN THOMAS-FULLER in my heart. She Is my Daughter. She is my Angel. I had hopes and dreams of her overcoming her Special heart and one day finding the "cure" for HLHS. I had dreams of her graduating High school. I had dreams of her going to College and doing great things. I had dreams of her one day getting married, watching her and her father walk down that isle. I had dreams of her becoming a mother. But on July 27th,2012, those dreams died along with Kennedy. It wasn't Just a child i lost, it was the hopes and dreams that We as her parents had for her. 

Day 3: BEFORE. Who were you before your children died?  How have you changed? Do you miss anything about that person? What did you love about that person? Did you dislike anything? Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing?

Before Kennedy, I was a young 22 year old newlywed. I was on top of the world. I had just gotten married and about 2 months later found out we were pregnant. I was sooooo happy. How have i changed? I take life less serious, I have leaned to let God handle the heavy lifting. I Have had to lean on the the Greatest loss parent, GOD! I miss the happiness and the blindness i had. That "nothing could ever happen to me" or "that wont happen" feeling. I love that that person in me had the ability to adapt and change. I love that i knew who to turn to in the time of need. I love that I NEVER forgot my FAITH. I see My life now as before and after. Before i didn't think anything bad could happen i wasn't "walking the faith" i should have been. I was blinded by the world. After Kennedy, I learned to just let God handle everything. I have had to LET GO. I have had to completely change ME!


Day 4: NOW. Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? What do you want to become?

Who am I today? I'm a mom of our Rainbow baby. I'm a wife, I am a photographer. I am feeling.......like a ball of emotions. I have been changed by the death of Kennedy by living in the moment, always having the what if, always seeing the worst thing happening. I don't plan! Like EVER! Why plan when you can have much more fun doing spur of the moment things. What i love about the new me.....MY FAITH. I love that no matter what i will always have my Faith to rely on. He walked me to the moment i lost my daughter, He will guide me through the aftermath of her loss. What i want to become.......I don't know. I want to be the best me possible.

Day 5: Journal

A letter to Myself from Kennedy to remind myself that I CAN DO THIS!

I Look Healthy. I weighed 5lbs 13oz. I have 10 fingers 10 toes. I have a loving mom and dad. I have aunts and Uncles and cousins. I'm the Ideal Picture of "NORMAL"! BUT......I was born with a Broken Heart. A Congenital Heart Defect Called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I had Open Heart Surgery 3 days after meeting my new family. I Knew fighting was my only option. I Had a fire drill the night after my open Heart surgery. I was gone from my earthly body for about 15-30 Minutes. I saw My mom and dad struggle with their faith. I saw my grandparents as they didn't know how to console my parents. I saw my uncles drop to their knees and Begged and pleaed with God. I saw My parent NEVER give up on me, They keep saying "your strong, you Can do this". I Pulled through but was a VERY sick Baby. I lived on ECMO for 5days, I know for my parents it was a lifetime. I came off ECMO, LIKE A CHAMP!!! Mommy and Daddy were there holding my hand, I looked for them every time I thought I heard them. I loved it when my Daddy talked and Sang to me. My Mommy made me feel like a princess, she did my hair and took pictures in which I showed the world my eyes. I knew the time was near. I knew My room would never be touched. Most of all I knew my parents would be ok. The Day came, The Time Came.......I didn't want to But It was my time. That day I watched as my parents let me fly. I watched as the room filled with people mom and dad only talked about. At that very moment I knew they would be ok. I watched as mom told the pastor that the little body she was holding wasn't me, and she was right. I watched as my dad tried to hold it together, but when I touched his cheek he let it all go. I watched as people came to my memorial and filled the room, standing room only for this princess. I watch as my grandparent were in aww of the strength and calmness of my parents. I gave my Parent comfort in knowing I wasn't alone. I was with Family. And Now I give them my baby brother, why a brother you ask because he will defend my honor, he will make sure mommy is loved the right way. He will give daddy a good distraction. My Brother will understand he is the second first child. He will Help others when they don't know what to say to mommy and daddy. I know my Mommy and daddy had dreams and Hopes. But what they dont know is, I have fulfilled them in every way possible. One day when we meet, I will show them. 

Day 6 Books:

y

I really have't read books. I have read a ton of bloggs and online material. 

Day 7: Do you have a special place that you visit to “be” with your children? A place that you feel connected to? Maybe it is their grave, or a beautiful garden, beach or forest. What does this place mean to you? Why that place? If you haven’t got a sacred place that you visit to remember your children, maybe have a think about finding a beautiful place that you can visit to remember them. It is never too late to do this. Having a sacred space for you to visit to just be, is wonderful for your soul. It gives you some time out to just allow yourself to calm your heart and reconnect with the love that you have for your children.

 A special Place to be with Kennedy, isnt a place at all..... Its Jimmie's smile, Jimmie's Hug, Walking in to see jimmie quietly playing with un-seen things. Its the quiet look he gives me when he "knows" im thinking of her. I see her in everything he does. He is so wise beyond his years. 

Day 8:  RESOURCE. When we become bereaved, in the beginning, many of us look outwards for help. We set out in the night with a blanket and a lantern in search of others like us. Along the road we usually find someone or something and it is with that discovery that we can walk this road with understanding company we watch the sun begin to rise over our worlds again. Share some resources that have aided you in your healing journey. It may be a website, charity, organization, a person/teacher/therapist/new friend etc. Whatever it is, share what is so wonderful about that resource and how it has helped you. Please feel welcome to share links so that others can benefit.

I had a very close nit family. We leaned on each other. They Understood that i was the type that needed to talk out my feelings. They listened. Dont be afraid to talk. Find someone wither it be family, friend or therapist, just find someone who will listen. Find Parents who have gone through a similar situation. 

Day 9:  IN MEMORY. There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die. This yearning hurts but it also inspires us to get creative to do something in memory of our children. Have you done anything in memory of your child? Maybe it is something your created for them. A tattoo or a piece of jewellery. Did you create a garden? Maybe you created an organization or a charity benefit. Maybe you took up a new practice. A new hobby. Writing, painting, dancing, reading. Share away.

In Memory Of Kennedy Fallyn Thomas-Fuller, I started a Photography Business called Half My Heart Photography. I never got offered newborns, i wasnt intouch with the outside world when Kennedy was born. I started Half My Heart with the intent to help others in my situation. I love love love going into the hospital and taking special babies pictures. I started my Business in memory of KENNEDY FALLYN!

Day 10:  SUPPORT. Have you felt supported in your grief journey? If so, where did that support come from. Was it from who you expected? Were you surprised by the support or lack of support you received. How would you suggest people could support those grieving, better? If you feel disappointed that your loved ones are not supporting you in the way you need, have a think about why that is. Sometimes when we stop to think about ‘why’ instead of just focusing on the negative emotions of disappointment that we feel, we discover reasons why those people cannot or could not support us. It could be that our story brings up painful memories for them. They could actually just be really insensitive or maybe there is more to it and they just had no idea how to help you and the fear of upsetting you even more was too great. Have you communicated your needs to that person? So many people, when asked that question say, no. Sometimes it is because they didn’t know what they needed at the time or it is because we subconsciously believe that our friends and family should know exactly what to do, when really, they cannot read our minds. Share thoughts about support and maybe send out some love to the rest of your community members as well.

We have had a ton of support and also a ton of "butters". Butters being the one who are all for our grieving prosess BUT tell us to let her go, And yes we had family to tell us to LET HER GO, For God sakes i lost my FIRST born CHILD not a puppy. Our Familys love to listen but i feel they are "tired" of hearing it. I want to talk about my dead child not just bury my feeling down. I want My child to live past her 22 days on earth. Yes she maybe just a distant memory to you but to me it happened yesterday, i relive her birth, her firedrill, her smiles, her massive poop, HER DEATH from day to day. I have a constant reminder what life is really about. I have to go on the rest of my life missing something. I have to go the rest of my life without a CHILD not you so give me the time of day to just listen about my daughter. 

Day 11: ALTAR. Do you have a space in your home specifically dedicated to your children? Creating a sacred space in your home for your children is a beautiful way to keep your their precious memory alive. You could make one indoors or outside. You may want to make your altar in a private place like your bedroom or you may want to have it out in the open for anyone who is welcomed into your home to see. So what do you place on an altar? Anything that has meaning to you and your child. It can be simple with just a few mementos or you may want to make it shrine that overflows  in love and colour. If you are unsure on where to start just have a look around your home. Once you find a space, put on some beautiful music, make yourself a cup of tea and light a candle and clear the space so it is clean and new. Think about what you would like to place on your altar. Some ideas are fresh flowers, a candle, photographs, pieces of paper with your favourite quotes of poetry. An ornament that represents your child. Some people place pieces of Earth on their altars such as seashells, feathers or crystals. People of faith usually place small statues of their spiritual teachers such as Jesus, Mother Mary, Buddha etc. The beauty about your altar is that you can make it whatever you desire and it will grow, change and evolve over time. It a lovely idea to keep a photographic record of how it changes with your grief and life experience. I light a candle or some incense every morning and every night on my altar. It gives me a beautiful space to reflect, pray, meditate or just a moment to set a new intention for my day.

   

Kennedy's Memory is throughout the house. She lives on every wall in every room. Her Ashes are on a shelf in the living room, her pictures are in our room and in the nursery, Her memory lives on in the walls of our HOME. 

Day 12: MUSIC. In grief we can resonate with music because it communicates the deep emotions we are feeling. Sometimes there are no words that accurately describe what we are experiencing and that is why I think I find myself so often lost in sounds and melodies. Share some music that enriches your life or reminds you of your children. Is there a story behind that piece of music for you?

Matthew West - Save a Place for me

                           Strong enough

Selah - I will Carry You

Mercy Me - I can only Imagine

I really love all Music but find my nitch in Christian music. 

Day 13: SEASON. What season to you associate with your children? Is it the season that they died in? Or maybe another reason like a beautiful time you spent together. What emotions arise in you when that season comes around. What is it in that season that triggers memories and feelings for you? Is it the scent in the air? The colour of the leaves? Do you look forward to this season because you feel more connected to your children or do you dread it? Have you ever wondered what you could do to ease the fear of what that season brings up for you?

   

 

Kennedy was born July 5th, but i find peace in winter. I guess its the snow, I picture her running around with a beanie on with here reddish brown hair peeping through screaming "no more daddy, no more you win you win." I dont see her as the toddler she would be but yet i see her as a 4-6 year old. I see my daughter running around begging her dad to tell her what she got for Christmas. I dont fear this season its my favorite season I actually look forward to it because i feel its like im the closest i will be to her.

Day 14: DARK/LIGHT. Today we are acknowledging the dark and the light sides of grief. The ugly and the beauty. The bitter and the sweet. The anger and the peace. You might want to write about the moments when everything falls apart or maybe the moments where our eyes are opened to the gifts that this journey has in store for us. Or maybe you just want to write about both.

For Me the nasty, dirty, bitter, dark, anger is when i see someone who does't fully appriciate their healthy baby. I mean you have a blessing or 3. The least you can do is appriciate that fact. I lost my first born. I did everything "right" for my pregnancy, i took my vitamins, i went to dr appointments, i did everything in my power to protect my unborn child. BUT I NO i couldnt protect her HEART. HER HEART..... I mean really who the heck thinks about the heart. Brain, Lungs, Spine, limbs but really the HEART. I knew she was given to Us for some reason but REALLY!!! Like i have said before Me and God have a Father/ daughter realationship but this just went way overboard. I believe God gives use a tad more than we can handle just so we will lean on him but I really wanted to punch him in the face for this one. To this day i still question why he would have done that to us. But i wouldnt change it for the world, those 22 days were the best days i will ever have....yes even with jimmie, because each child holds a special place in my heart, Jimmie will always be our light at the end of the tunnel. My best days (to date) Is his birth, the first smile, the first time he walked. But It tweeks a nerve when i see someone taking for granted their healthy and alive children! 

Day 15: COMMUNITY. As a wave of light makes its way around the world today, we take some time out to honour and remember our children. It is a day of remembrance and a day of awareness. What does this community mean to you? Where would you be without it? What would you like to see happen in the future for this community? Share your candles of light.

            

I feel like I have a place. Im 25 and feel like a 45 year old. I dont fit in with  adults my age. They dont understand me. so with out the loss community i would be Lost!

Life after a Death: 1

2 Years and not a day goes by.....

Two years and not a day goes by that i think of you. Your Hair, Your smile, your toes, YOUR ZIPPER.....YOU! I constantly feel like there's room for more...more kids, more pets. Because to me i'm missing something. And then there are times when i feel i have forgotten you at home, at the store or any place we go as a Family. Your about to turn two and your Baby brother is about to turn 1. He knows you very well. He loved to kiss your pictures and try to say "sissy'. I look forward to the day he wants to know you, I know you'll give me the strength to tell him about you. Its still hard for me and your father to believe your two because to us you'll always be that little 22 day old baby. We picture you as a 4-5 year old going everywhere, asking for things and getting into everything. We will be moving back into Our old home....the home that we had prepared for you. Yes its hard brings back a lot of memories, Your perfect room, tiny girl things, the day we came home without you, your fire drill, you coming off ECMO, You catching a blood infection, DAY 22, Planning your memorial, sleeping through the night without a baby to wake us up(your brother picked up your part). Your 22 days was like  whole year smashed into 22 days. You aged us by 20+ years. You taught us how to be strong in the weakest of moments. You taught us there is life beyond a death of a child. You taught everything does have reasoning, though we may not ever find it, its there. Kennedy Fallyn Thomas-Fuller you'll always be MY baby no matter what age you are. I'll always carry a piece of you with me.

Hugs and kisses
Mommy